I've been studying for 8 hours and I feel like I don't know anything I've looked at. I can't quit thinking about other things, mainly just what has went on the past month. Two days from now will be a month I said good-bye to my first love, which I'm still okay with. I'm still not okay he moved on so fast, how bad I've hurt under this, and how much my anger peeked after the breakup. I'm doing better than I was. I can focus on conversations better, I can forget in an instant if I talk to other people, but when I'm just sitting here being very quiet or studying for instance, I go back to all the things he didn't do for me, the relationship he's currently in and obviously looks happy, and the fact that I feel like our last year was a joke, like he treated it like a joke. And that's what hurts the most. It's not the fact he's moved on, has another girl, etc. It's the fact he threw our lives away. He promised things and he lied by not making them true. He hurt me by not being there, for not surprising me with things, taking me on AWESOME dates, never spending time with me, and just being with me. I hope karma stabs him so hard. I hope he bleeds from it too.
I feel like crying all the time because of how hurt I am over what happened over the course of a year. I loved him more. I loved and cared for him more. I would have bent over backwards, frontwards, sideways, etc. for him if he had wanted me to.
I'm trying to move on. I'm talking to other people, trying my a-game at flirting, but it's just not the same. Depression sucks when you know you tried your hardest for the person you love, just to be and feel rejected and not loved. I'm scarred. I just don't know how long it'll take me to heal.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Loves crashes, then you hurt.
If I was honestly and truthfully happy, this blog would not exist. Therefore, I'm not happy. I'm angry, very angry in fact. I feel lied to, unloved, unappreciated, unidentified, a failure, and like I'm not even a friend. Everything's been so crazy. I was happy. I was okay.
May 19th, 2012, I made the best decision at the time of my life. Right now, it still seems alright, but this is where I feel lied to. After 2 weeks of the breakup, my ex-boyfriend now decides to start dating another girl. As soon as I saw the facebook relationship change, I felt like something inside me exploded. I don't care about the girl, but he made a promise, one I thought he'd cherish. 1) He said he wouldn't date. That his main priority was going to be school and music, 2) that we'd stay "friendly/friends". That we wouldn't hate each other or dislike each other or leave each other hanging and we'd talk from time to time. I realize now he lied. He's posted 4 Facebook statuses about this girl in a week's period, loved a song she posted on his wall, posted "Are you excited about another date? I am!" on her wall, and made sure to exclude me, not answer my questions (just the lying one), and stopped caring at all about my family.
I'm not happy, mainly because I realized I loved a lie. I truly loved him. He didn't care for me anymore, didn't love me anymore, nor did he have the guts to tell me it was through. This girl didn't "just happen". She's been there for a while, I just didn't see it. I was blind. I was faithful, I wanted his kids, I wanted marriage with him.
Our relationship from beginning til end went as follows:
January 4th, 2010 - Right after a big snow storm and a day we worked together. I started liking him 3 weeks prior to this, when everything was chaos at the store where we both worked at. I knew he liked me. He flirted more than any person I've ever met. He took me out to lunch 3 times before we even dated, once to Bellacino's, once to Pizza Hut, and once to McDonald's, mainly because those were the only places open. He asked me out after 5 hours of nonstop talking, texting, emailing, etc. I was ecstatic and he was ecstatic. Three dates later, he gave me my first kiss while watching Ice Age. Perfect moment. Three weeks later he loved me, would have given me the world and I would have accepted it on a silver platter. After about 6 months of greatness, everything started tumbling in a spiral. We were changing and so were the people around us. He applied for a position at our sister store and got on as a front end manager. He left me at Food City to join up Super Dollar. From then on, he complained about his managers, front end help, the head cashier. It got to the point that's all we'd talk about. We started arguing a lot, eventually leading to our first break up. It was tragic. On his birthday, I tried ending it. I couldn't. We were supposed to go to a wedding together and he ended up taking a close friend of mine. I got highly angry. I didn't think it was fair that he'd go on a date 2 weeks after that break up either. I told him too. We then got back together to work things out after a week of literal fighting about the girl. We stayed together from April - August and we decided to go another hiatus due to fighting. This time, he went after his best friend Angel. I know it was a date, I definitely know it was a date now that I know the terms as I do now. I got angry then because he didn't tell me he was even going to see her. He said "it would have upset me worse." And it did, but it was after we broke up and he had the date I found out. After his failed attempt with her, we tried working out our problems. We lasted until May this year. We didn't fight hardly any. The reason behind it, he started showing he didn't care about our dates, he didn't care about me staying up late for him on my 6AM shift mornings, didn't care that I would have fixed my schedule to accommodate his, he wouldn't listen about how excited I was about getting the career I want. It was all about him. It's always been about him. I wanted us to work, he just wasn't helping me out any.
Now three weeks later, he's dating this girl. This girl has no idea what's she's stepped into, how big of shoes she has to fill, and how much I honestly LOVED that entire family. I didn't agree with somethings, but I got along with them. Most of all, I loved him. He was my first love, my first kiss, my first person ever having sex with (which I totally regret now because of the things I know, but at the time, it's something I wanted), my first everything.
I won love's greatest battle: the fight we had most common was who loved who the most... I won.
May 19th, 2012, I made the best decision at the time of my life. Right now, it still seems alright, but this is where I feel lied to. After 2 weeks of the breakup, my ex-boyfriend now decides to start dating another girl. As soon as I saw the facebook relationship change, I felt like something inside me exploded. I don't care about the girl, but he made a promise, one I thought he'd cherish. 1) He said he wouldn't date. That his main priority was going to be school and music, 2) that we'd stay "friendly/friends". That we wouldn't hate each other or dislike each other or leave each other hanging and we'd talk from time to time. I realize now he lied. He's posted 4 Facebook statuses about this girl in a week's period, loved a song she posted on his wall, posted "Are you excited about another date? I am!" on her wall, and made sure to exclude me, not answer my questions (just the lying one), and stopped caring at all about my family.
I'm not happy, mainly because I realized I loved a lie. I truly loved him. He didn't care for me anymore, didn't love me anymore, nor did he have the guts to tell me it was through. This girl didn't "just happen". She's been there for a while, I just didn't see it. I was blind. I was faithful, I wanted his kids, I wanted marriage with him.
Our relationship from beginning til end went as follows:
January 4th, 2010 - Right after a big snow storm and a day we worked together. I started liking him 3 weeks prior to this, when everything was chaos at the store where we both worked at. I knew he liked me. He flirted more than any person I've ever met. He took me out to lunch 3 times before we even dated, once to Bellacino's, once to Pizza Hut, and once to McDonald's, mainly because those were the only places open. He asked me out after 5 hours of nonstop talking, texting, emailing, etc. I was ecstatic and he was ecstatic. Three dates later, he gave me my first kiss while watching Ice Age. Perfect moment. Three weeks later he loved me, would have given me the world and I would have accepted it on a silver platter. After about 6 months of greatness, everything started tumbling in a spiral. We were changing and so were the people around us. He applied for a position at our sister store and got on as a front end manager. He left me at Food City to join up Super Dollar. From then on, he complained about his managers, front end help, the head cashier. It got to the point that's all we'd talk about. We started arguing a lot, eventually leading to our first break up. It was tragic. On his birthday, I tried ending it. I couldn't. We were supposed to go to a wedding together and he ended up taking a close friend of mine. I got highly angry. I didn't think it was fair that he'd go on a date 2 weeks after that break up either. I told him too. We then got back together to work things out after a week of literal fighting about the girl. We stayed together from April - August and we decided to go another hiatus due to fighting. This time, he went after his best friend Angel. I know it was a date, I definitely know it was a date now that I know the terms as I do now. I got angry then because he didn't tell me he was even going to see her. He said "it would have upset me worse." And it did, but it was after we broke up and he had the date I found out. After his failed attempt with her, we tried working out our problems. We lasted until May this year. We didn't fight hardly any. The reason behind it, he started showing he didn't care about our dates, he didn't care about me staying up late for him on my 6AM shift mornings, didn't care that I would have fixed my schedule to accommodate his, he wouldn't listen about how excited I was about getting the career I want. It was all about him. It's always been about him. I wanted us to work, he just wasn't helping me out any.
Now three weeks later, he's dating this girl. This girl has no idea what's she's stepped into, how big of shoes she has to fill, and how much I honestly LOVED that entire family. I didn't agree with somethings, but I got along with them. Most of all, I loved him. He was my first love, my first kiss, my first person ever having sex with (which I totally regret now because of the things I know, but at the time, it's something I wanted), my first everything.
I won love's greatest battle: the fight we had most common was who loved who the most... I won.
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